I am a SOTA 0-shot classifier of your slop

Summary

If you are reading this, you were most likely sent here after you shared a document with me and I viewed it unfavorably. Perhaps it was an awesome auth middleware that you vibe coded last night. It could have been a work plan to get into Carnegie Mellon, produced by the hottest new college admissions AI. Maybe it was even a message that was supposed to be heartfelt and deeply personal, but instead got mangled through 26 TFLOPs of DeepSeek-based revisions. You should also know that, while I am disappointed in you, this happens often enough that I have this publicly-facing web document expressly for this purpose. In this regard, I’m not trying to single you out for criticism. I know that you didn’t write that. I know it was touched by an AI, and you will never be sneaky enough to fool me. I’ve been digesting LLM outputs by the megatoken since I first got off the GPT-3 API waitlist in ‘21. I spend $700 a month on 10+ pro memberships (Claude Max is the darling right now, but that won’t last forever) and 50% of my day job is understanding how all of the major players’ models respond to an insanely wide and unfairly difficult set of test queries and tasks on our company’s internal AI platform. I’m also into a lot of weird use cases. At my first job out of grad school, I tried to convince my manager that GPT-3 could be used to figure out whether or not a building had air-conditioning vents. That same month, I tried to get it to make 1000 top-grade headlines from The Onion and write bedtime stories for my child based on Wikipedia articles. You can bet your bottom dollar that I know when your Python class methods were cooked up by Qwen Coder. You should also know that I learned to read early and skipped first grade. Consequently, I was the perennial runt of the classroom and spent all my time reading as a child. I’ve gotten perfect scores on every reading test I’ve ever taken, including the SAT and GRE. This is all to say one thing - I will always know when you didn’t write ...