Empathy for Dummies

Summary

Empathy for Dummies On many occasions, I have been told to “be more empathetic.” When I ask why, I typically get this reaction: This is a ridiculous question. I am not going to answer it because it is so ridiculous. Empathy is the right thing to do! You should feel bad for that person. We’re humans, after all. These explanations never really helped. Ironically, they felt unempathetic to me. I interpreted their reasoning as advising me to be fake and lie. And so, for a long time, empathy was a vaguely frustrating and unhelpful concept. An idea that did not help me or the people around me with anything productive. I get it. Empathy is supposed to be mostly a feelings thing, not an intellectual exercise. But I have a tough time implementing long-term changes because of (what I view as) a weak moral justification. I need to buy in on some level. It was not until I learned a more pragmatic framing that I was able to make lasting progress in this area, and I thought it’d be worth sharing what unblocked me in case you feel the same way. * * * First, a definition: Empathy is when you try your best to build an accurate model of someone else’s world in order to better understand them. I found most people (even the really mature, secure, empathetic ones!) who were telling me to just be more empathetic were not using the word in this way. They had a different agenda. Usually, “be more empathetic” was a veiled request for me to modify my behavior or thinking towards someone (e.g. they thought I was rude to someone and wanted me to apologize and change my behavior). But having empathy does not necessarily mean you need to change the way you behave or feel. The definition I’ve written above—which is closer to the dictionary definition—resonated more deeply. And it’s stuck! Stuck because empathy, real empathy, feels useful and honest. It is an essential aspect of doing anything involving two or more people (and while not all of the best things in life involve two or more people, ma...