The printer that transcends dimensions and corrupts reality

Summary

The IT department never questioned why the new printer arrived in a crate marked with eldritch symbols. They were just happy to finally have a replacement for the ancient LaserJet that had been serving the accounting floor since time immemorial.Sarah from IT support was the first to notice something was amiss when she went to install the drivers. The installation wizard didn't ask for the usual Windows credentials - instead, it demanded "THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT OR A VALID ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD." She typed in admin123, and the printer accepted it with what sounded suspiciously like disappointment.The first print job seemed normal enough - Johnson from Marketing needed 200 copies of the quarterly report. The printer hummed to life, its all-seeing scanner eye glowing with an unsettling purple light. The first page emerged normally. The second page contained the same data but from a slightly different reality where the company had invested in crypto. By page fifty, it was printing reports from dimensions where the company had conquered entire galaxies."PC LOAD LETTER" flashed on its display, but in a font that hurt to look at. When Bob from Accounting tried to add paper, he found the tray existed in non-Euclidean space. Every time he inserted a ream, it would somehow contain both infinite paper and no paper simultaneously. Schrödinger's print tray, the IT department called it.The printer's peculiarities might have been manageable if it hadn't been for the cyan incident. Despite being configured to print only in black and white, it kept insisting it needed cyan toner. "CYAN LEVELS LOW IN ALL POSSIBLE REALITIES" it warned. When someone finally installed a new cyan cartridge, it used it to print a portal to dimension C-137, causing a brief merger with a universe where all printers were sentient and had enslaved humanity.The paper jams were the worst. Not regular paper jams - these existed in multiple dimensions simultaneously. The help desk started receiving tickets lik...